Five Craigslist Cars I could buy instead of paying my $674 in parking tickets

Right now I have $674.00 in unpaid parking tickets. I write this calmly, pressing the keys with no more than the appropriate amount of force.

I am not asking for your money, or your sympathy. Just your attention.

NOT PAYING PARKING TICKETS DOES NOT MAKE THEM GO AWAY.

I sometimes feel above the law. What even are taxes? If I had it my way, they'd just stop sweeping the streets all together. I would be happy to bust out the Swiffer and clean my share of the real estate once a week, rather than having to move my car to avoid financial penalty. I pay taxes in California, so aren’t I paying the street-sweepers salary? Take the week off, friend! Indefinite paid vacation for all street sweepers!

If I had paid all five of my tickets on time (within 21 days of the ticket being issued), it would have cost me $350. That is still a lot of money to me, but for $350 I would be unlikely to assume the fetal position like I did this morning.

Anyways, in all this time I've spent supine not paying my parking tickets, I hit the Los Angeles cars + trucks to see what I could get for my $674.

2002 PT Cruiser for $500

$500? That leaves money to fix that front tire, then get me one a' them steering wheel covers with some butterflies on it.

1999 Pontiac Grand Prix GTP for $750

It's a little over budget, but it's a supercharged V6! Granted, this one apparently won't shift out of first. But how much time do you spend over 40MPH in LA anyways?

1994 Toyota Camry LE for $550

LE means Limited Edition, right? Hot damn! This is the listing description:

"1994 Toyota Camery LE 2 Door rear car. It was just registered runs need thermostat. Has nice speakers and stereo with remote control needs out side door handles sold as is no guarantee or warranty."

Promising, right? And no working outer door handles means you get to enter through the window every time, just like Nascar!

1997 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo for $700

Whatever, right? The fourth in a list of five is a guaranteed throwaway. Maybe David Tracy wants it? Maybe he’s selling it…

1991 Dodge Dakota LE for $600

This one's blurry as Bigfoot,, but if I had to actually own any of the cars on this list, it would be this Dodge.

I should pay my parking tickets.